Do You Give Your connection 5-To-1 Odds?
Posted in Hell Articles on January 27th, 2012 by hallhorror – Be the first to comment
In the realm of interpersonal relationships there is no connection more studied, more talked about, more written about and more joked about than the connection between a man and a woman; or as it is often more precisely referred to, marriage. Now I comprehend I am venturing into extremely risky territory here, risking the scorn of women and men alike who won’t take amiable to the point I’m trying to make (assuming I have one, that is), not to mention, the possible wrath of my own wife who might somehow read into this report some sort of thinly veiled personal strike on her – which, by all means, is not the case. Not that I’m saying she’s sensitive or anything, because by all means, she’s not. And not that I’m afraid to speak my mind on such matters, because by all means, I’m not. (This is going to be tougher than I thought.)
Let me cut to the chase. I came over some spellbinding investigate from a real connection expert, a psychologist and author named John Gottman. Gottman has spent close to 30 years studying families and couples to decree the factors that contribute to successful and failed marriages. And he walked away with a very uncomplicated conclusion about how to predict the outcome of one’s marriage. He called it the Magic connection Ratio. From his years of investigate Gottman was able to show that a couple’s ratio of positive-to-negative interactions was the most predictor of a relationship’s outcome. Specifically, “successful” relationships – defined by Gottman as marriages that last longer than 7-10 years (no wisecracks, please!) – need a ratio of at least 5 sure interactions for every 1 negative interaction within the relationship. In enterprise terms they would call that the “break-even” point. Gottman claims that with 90% accuracy he can predict that a connection which has a positive-to-negative interaction ratio of 1 to 1 or lower will end in divorce.
Hell
Gottman says that the most extremely successful relationships – his so-called “Masters of Marriage” who stay together 20 years or more – have a 20-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions (there’s probably a Rodney Dangerfield joke to be made here, but I’ll resist the temptation). And while I know of many population in what I comprehend to be strong marriages, I couldn’t dream too many couples who accomplish that ratio(although possibly the Stepford Wives gave it a run). On the other end, I could precisely dream where having no good than a 1-to-1 ratio would make for an extremely unpleasant environment for any relationship. This is clearly a ratio where just staying even is not wholesome for anyone. And that’s especially true when you look at the four major sources of those negative interactions as summarized by Gottman:
Criticism – “What kind of person are you?”
Contempt – “I would never stoop as low as you did.”
Defensiveness – “Yeah, but what about what you did?”
Stonewalling – Just shutting down and tuning out.
Most of us would be guilty as charged of spellbinding in any whole of the above. But according to Gottman, that’s not precisely the problem. In fact, Gottman tells us that it’s humanly important to have the negative “1″ in the 5-to-1 or even the 20-to-1 ratios. Because the issue is about the relative frequency of those negative comments and behaviors, not whether they exist at all. And that’s where the “magic” of the Magic connection Ratio comes into play.
So where does this leave us? Well, I precisely believe that Gottman’s 5-to-1 rule of thumb is universally applicable to the health of all relationships, not just the marital one. And that’s what I found most spellbinding about it. We know that nobody likes to be ignored or treated with contempt and criticism. Our human preference is to be treated with kindness and respect. It’s what makes us feel good and motivates us to try harder in anything we do. Charles Schwab attributed his enterprise success to recognizing this basic human truth. As he once said, “There is nothing else that kills the ambitions of a person than the criticisms of (others)…therefore I am anxious to praise and loath to find fault.” I’ll bet Schwab’s ratio was above the 5-to-1 mark in his enterprise relationships.
The great thing about Gottman’s ratio is its simplicity. anything of us can use it as a silent reference tool every singular day. All we have to do is keep a reasoning score sheet in the back of our minds. And that goes for using it with our spouses, our kids, our friends and our co-workers.
So the next time we hear ourselves throwing out a “hey-what-the-hell’s-wrong-with-you!” or a “you-can’t-do-anything-right!,” we probably want to have an list of at least 5 “nice-jobs!” or “looking-good-today’s” at the ready. Otherwise we run the risk of having our wholesome relationships slip below the “magic” break-even point towards the breaking point. And for our important relationships, nobody wants those odds.
Do You Give Your connection 5-To-1 Odds?
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